"...so here the Archangel paused,
Betwixt the world destroyed and the world restored."
~Milton, "Paradise Lost"
I leave in less than 24 hours to head to Phillie for a few days of training, after which I head to Africa. I myself am feeling simultaneously destroyed and restored as well. Six months ago I decided to apply to the Peace Corps while still searching for the 'right job' in DC. My application process was a slight smack in the face - for a person my age I have quite a lot of experience and knowledge relative to my field. However, I was unable to find a job that I would love daily (which is my rule for my life) and so I decided that gaining experience from the Peace Corps would allow me to earn such a job upon my return. My professional motivations haven't changed - this is really good for my career. However, my personal life has changed in these 6 months, dramatically... more so than I had wanted, to be honest. I wanted to get to April 15 and say "I have absolutely nothing that is tempting me to stay in America... this is 100% what I want to do. Let's go." But is anything ever 100%??? And so while I can easily justify my decision to depart on professional grounds, I find myself having difficulty in feeling so confident with respect to my personal life. I guess it's hard to feel good about leaving so much behind when you're going to a place where, initially, you have absolutely nothing. There's a lot of excitement to this thought - after all, the finest pieces of art begin on blank canvases, right?
But I'll miss my friends, and my God I'll miss my family (who really are more my friends... I am so fortunate in that regard. I love you all so so much).
I just hope all of these important people in my life understand that me leaving has nothing to do with them not making me happy enough to stay... it's not that at all. Africa is such a massive part of me; I shine on this continent. You can't grow unless you're challenged, and Africa challenges me. Some of my greatest memories and personal epiphanies have occurred on this continent; I love it to my core. But the worst feeling in the world is wondering if the people you love are thinking "Sorry, you're really wonderful but not good enough for me to stay... see ya in 2." It breaks my heart to think (or know?) that my departure is causing pain to those I love. But nothing would satisfy me more than to share this part of my life with those people. To my friends, to my family: come. Come and let me show you Africa. Come and let me show you Botswana. Come and let me show you a whole other world - a place that we know exists but never really digest its reality. Come and let me show you another side of me. And, so importantly to me, come and let me see another side of you. See you on the other side.
7 comments:
Thinking of you and hoping the first few days in Philly are going well! Have a safe trip to Botswana on Friday- I love you and call/e-mail as soon as you can :)
Hope everything goes well! Have a great time! I miss you already!
I never thought of your leaving as causing me pain. You're not causing me pain. The leaving hurts, yes, but it's a part of your leaving. It's nothing you're doing.
And for anyone to feel that you're thinking "you're not important enough for me to stay, so I'll see you in 2," while it may happen on some subconscious level, if they love you enough, why wouldn't they want you to go and do what you need to do? I think you have loved ones who want you to go and do what you need to do.
Sure, it SUCKS that it's 2 years and it SUCKS that you won't be by the phone with a witty text or call. It SUCKS that your family won't see you around their homes. But, that's what's going on now. It sucks, but it's life. More importantly, it's short-term sacrifice for long-term success and happiness.
And two years will go by. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes quickly. But it will go by. Some things will change, but a lot of it, Brent, won't. Only the music will be updated. You get me? ;-)
Thanks for the invite (again). I look forward to taking you up on it. More than once. ;-) Love you.
I love you my bubsey!I'm going to be checking this everyday!
Don't worry, you're doing this because you have to, because if you didn't, you'd regret it. Or at least, that's what I'm picking up. This kind of reminds me of that one, slightly corny song,
'Out of the Darkness and into the sun, but I won't forget all the ones that I love. Gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway.'
hmm, like me and writing, such a big part of me. Well, just know that we all suport you so much, you're doing the right thing.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain
Thinking of you and taking solace in the fact that you are where you need to be.
i can not think of a more eloquent way of saying everything that i feel about my life here and myself in africa.
you are living the dream im afraid to let myself live...
xoxo
Post a Comment